Goodbye, Gamma: Post Scene to Things Change
by Mulderette
Summary: Carter says goodbye to Gamma


Title: Goodbye, Gamma: Post Scene to "Things Change"  
Author: Lynne Facella  
Category: Angst  
Spoilers: Through current season "Things Change"  
Disclaimer: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc., etc.  
  
Summary: Carter says goodbye to Gamma  
  
******  
  
"I'm sorry, Gamma...I'm sorry I wasn't here..."  
  
He had finally managed to stop crying and now he was just sitting at his grandmother's bedside. He still didn't really believe this had happened. She looked like she always did when she was napping, except this time he knew that no matter how badly he wanted her too, that Gamma wouldn't be waking up. This had just been so unexpected. His thoughts kept going back to her phone call the night before...the call he hadn't taken. If only he had known...  
  
"I'm sorry, Gamma..." he whispered again, his voice breaking.   
  
She'd always been so full of life, busy with her committees, her fundraisers, her charity functions. She'd never let her illness get her down. It was hard to believe she was gone...that she wouldn't be there anymore. She had always been a part of his life, for as long as he could remember...  
  
******  
  
"Gamma! Gamma where are you?" Seven-year-old John shouted as he ran through the hallway of the mansion, looking for his grandmother.   
  
"Shhh...John, your grandfather is making some important calls in his den. You mustn't shout like that."  
  
"I'm sorry, Gamma," he said solemnly. "I didn't mean to make noise."   
  
"It's quite alright." She gave him a fond smile as she rumpled his hair. "Now where is your brother?"  
  
"Bobby is out playing ball with some of his friends. He said he'll be in soon."  
  
"Well there's certainly no rush. Now tell me, how was school today?"  
  
"It was good. I hit a home run at recess and we had art. We made..." He pursed his lips for a few moments, trying to think of the word. "We made collages."  
  
"It sounds like you had a very full day. Did you bring your collage home?"  
  
"No." He shook his head. "We have to leave them until tomorrow when the paste is dry. I can bring it home then.."  
  
"That's fine. I'll look forward to seeing it. Now why don't you come and help me in the kitchen. She reached for his hand, which he readily accepted. "I feel like doing a bit of baking this afternoon."  
  
"Cookies?" he asked, his eyes widening with childlike excitement.   
  
"Yes, cookies, John," Millicent laughed.   
  
"Chocolate chip? Can I lick the bowl?"  
  
"Yes chocolate chip and yes you can lick the bowl." She laughed again as they went off towards the kitchen, hand in hand.  
  
******  
  
A few stray tears rolled down his cheeks as John's thoughts came back into the present. Mr. Garrett from the funeral home was certainly taking a long time to get here...but he didn't mind. He was sort of glad that he had gotten home before the people from the funeral home had arrived, that he could spend a last little bit of time with his grandmother. "We always had some good times together, Gamma, didn't we?" he asked softly. Of course not all the times had been good. Like all families, they'd had their share of tears and sorrow...  
  
******  
  
It was the day of Bobby's funeral. The mansion was full of people, all offering condolences, all telling him that this was for the best...that Bobby was in a better place...that he wasn't suffering anymore. Countless people kept coming up to John, half of them strangers that he didn't even know, telling him that he needed to be brave for his mother, that he needed to be strong. Finally he'd been unable to take it any more. He'd left the gathering and raced up to the second floor of the mansion. He'd started to go into his room, but then at the last minute he changed his mind. Instead he headed towards Bobby's room. He hadn't gone in there since Bobby died and even now he hesitated before his hand touched the doorknob, unsure if he should do it. Finally he decided. His hand turned the doorknob and he quietly slipped into Bobby's room. His heart was pounding as he closed the door behind him and stood there, just gazing at the room. Everything looked exactly the same. Bobby's trophies still lined the top of his dresser. His shelves were filled with favorite books and model airplanes. Baseball pennants and pictures hung on the walls. He looked towards the corner of the room where Bobby's baseball bat was, along with his glove. John walked over and picked up the glove. He put it on his hand, then brought it up to his face to smell the leather. Bobby had loved baseball, had played it with a passion...at least until he had gotten sick. Then he'd played less and less, until finally...he hadn't played at all.   
  
John hadn't really cried after he found out his brother had died. His father told him he was a brave little man and that was what he'd tried to be. Suddenly though, out of nowhere, he found his tears falling fast and furiously. "Why'd you leave me, Bobby?" he sobbed as he threw himself onto his brother's bed, clutching the baseball glove to his chest. "Oh Bobby...why did you leave me?" He wasn't sure how long he had lain there, sobbing as if his heart would break. He was so caught up in his sorrow that he never even heard anyone come into the room, not until he felt his grandmother's familiar touch, her hand gently rubbing his back as he cried.   
  
"You just cry, John...you let it out," she said soothingly. He'd looked up at her then and had seen the tears in her eyes as well. The next thing he knew, he was in her arms and they were sobbing together, holding each other, comforting each other as best as they could.   
  
******  
  
"Are you with Bobby now, Gamma?" he asked softly, overwhelmed by the emotions he was feeling. "I hope so...I know how much you missed him...I'm sure he missed you too." He tried to take comfort in thinking that somehow, somewhere, Gamma was happy and at peace. He knew a part of her had never quite been the same ever since grandpa died. He wanted to think that they were all together now, Gamma, Grandpa and Bobby...  
  
"I'm sure going to miss you," he whispered. She'd been the one true constant in his life...the one he could depend on no matter what. Even when he'd cut himself off from the family financially, he'd always known in his heart that if he needed her, Gamma would be there for him in a heartbeat. She'd been the mother his real mother had been incapable of being. She'd been there for him when there was no one else to count on...  
  
******  
  
"John? John, darling can you hear me?"  
  
He stirred at the sound of her voice, forcing himself out of his heavy slumber. "Gamma?" he said hoarsely as he opened his eyes. "Gamma...Lucy's dead,"   
  
"Shhh..." She smoothed the hair off his forehead and held his hand. "Everything's going to be fine, John. You're going to be alright."   
  
"He...he stabbed her, Gamma," he said as he began to sob. "I couldn't...I couldn't help her. I didn't...I didn't mean for this to happen..."  
  
"Of course you didn't, John," she said softly, as she leaned down to gently hug him, to comfort him the way she always did. "It wasn't your fault..."  
  
******  
  
She'd been there for him after the stabbing when his parents hadn't been...the way she had always been there for him through everything, the aftermath of the stabbing, his drug addiction...the kind of things that a lot of people might have shied away from. Gamma had never been one to hide from reality though. She'd stood by him and supported him and through it all, he'd never ever doubted that she loved him. He knew he still had his parents, but...he'd lost the one person who had been a true parent to him...and things would never quite be the same again.  
  
He started at the sound of a light knocking on the door. "Dr. Carter? It's Mr. Garrett. I'm sorry I'm so late."  
  
"Just a minute," John called as he hastily got to his feet. Biting his lip, he straightened the covers over his grandmother's body again, making sure they were just right. Then, taking a shuddering breath, he leaned down and kissed her cheek for the last time.  
  
"Goodbye, Gamma," he whispered, his eyes filling with tears. "I love you." 


End file.
